The New Whippet Breed Standard!

Here’s a gem I wrote in high school in the 1990s, inspired by my beloved Rigby.

The “New” Whippet Breed Standard

General Appearance: An animal of extreme grace, unless running anywhere near something expensive. The general appearance of a whippet is that of a raised bump underneath the sheets and covers of your freshly made bed.

Eyes: The eyes are the most important feature of the breed. They can be any colour, though Whippets prefer to have dark eyes, as these are more useful for conning their servants out of the best food and softest bedding. However, Whippets can manipulate their servants in many other ways.

Nose: Cold, wet, long and shocking when it unexpectedly makes contact with the Whippet’s servant’s bare thigh.

Feet and Legs: Sharp, long and unbendable. Really good Whippet feet and legs can drive an adult man off the bed, or render him unable to breathe, with all four of the Whippet’s feet pressing into his stomach. A well-bred whippet also will impale armpits, eyes, mouths and other sensitive areas with his feet, while sleeping in his servants’s bed.

Body: The Whippet’s body is generally either blurry in motion, or flat on it’s side. It is acceptable for the Whippet to rest on his back, with his feet straight in the air – remember the legs are not to bend and allow any room or comfort for the human.

Teeth: The Whippet has very special teeth and cannot eat regular food. If you wouldn’t eat it, neither will the Whippet.

Ears: Ideally, these resemble those of a bat when the Whippet goes for car rides and the window is open. Whippets are deaf at all times, except their scheduled dinner time.

Movement: Little as possible.

Color: Whatever color your bedspread is, so will be the lump curled up underneath of it.

Temperament: Whimsical, stubborn, manipulative, lazy and all together wonderful.

Disqualifications: Failure to disobey at least twice a day, sigh loudly with disgust at least three times a day, and to take up more room in the bed than two people, shall disqualify.

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